“You’ve had a lot of boyfriends,” said the latest a-hole.
I completely disagree. I’m pretty sure I have had the standard amount of relationships as any other twenty-five-year-old girl … Okay , so maybe more than average, but so what? Isn’t that what life’s all about? Exploring! I’m not trying to sound conceited by any means, but I would be lying if I said meeting guys was an issue for me. Because it was-ever. I was the girl in high school and in college who was always taken. I never went out of my way to meet a boy or even talk to one. It was like I would dream up a scenario of the boy I was secretly crushing on to also be interested in me and talk to me, first of course. It worked like a charm every time-whether that particular boy had a girlfriend or not.
Yes, that’s right folks, I was a bona-fide boyfriend-stealer. Homewrecker is way too dramatic as we are talking about sixteen-year-old babies here! Our brains weren’t even fully developed yet. Am I proud of this? Definitely not. In all honesty, I never went out of my way to seek someone out who was taken-quite the contrary. But too often I found myself in sticky situations anyway: hiding behind basement doors, closets and in backyards; ignoring missed calls and messages from the other girl, stealing glances from the guy I wanted at a party as he hugged his girlfriend. I got involved with guys who I subconsciously knew were all wrong for me (and for society), but more importantly, I was doing things that I was very proud of. I was being the girl we hate . The girl who made the boy choose-choose between her or me. It did not always land in my favor, but when it did, winning over the guy who cheated on his girlfriend (whether it is with me or not) is not and will never be a prize.
And when the good guys did come around, I thought, wow, this is just too easy. I couldn’t help but to take advantage-to take them for granted. I couldn’t really appreciate them, so I continued to walk all over them relentlessly. Not all the time, and not in every relationship, but too often I was turned off by good guys and turned on by bad guys. Cliché, I know. By time I was out of college, everything had changed. I broke up with my boyfriend and assumed another one would follow suit, just like it had always been. “El oh el” is right.
What was actually to follow, you ask? A disarray of degenerates, liars and losers (aka online dating). The term “loser” often gets misconstrued to mean, ” boy broke .” Not always. I have dated my fair share of lawyers (guy who told me I was “too dominant”), CPAs and various other suit-and-tie types-they too were losers. Why? Because when a guy does not text you back after you chose not to sleep with him on the third date, he is a loser. Or when a guy tells you that he’s not the type to “chase a woman,” as his idea of a justification for being a total d-bag, he’s a loser. So don’t make him your loser. Who am I talking to? My-damn-self. And whoever else cares to listen to me rant about the never-ending saga that is my love life. I have been unofficially single for almost four years now. Of course that doesn’t count the mini series of men that have departed from my life just as quickly as they arrived. And until this moment, I have felt as though I’ve been missing out. On what, you ask? Being “in love.” The truth is, I am not the same girl I was in high school or college-nor should I be. (And if you are, then may God bless your soul.) With every day that goes by, I realize that all this major relationship FOMO is bull . I have wasted so much time wishing and wanting love so badly meanwhile, I haven’t even fallen in love with myself yet. I’m single because I need to be. I’m single because I have so much to figure out. I’m single because I have so much I want to do to before I find out what I’m looking for like feeling truly happy with myself. Until then, it’s not my time.
To be fair they weren’t all losers, but either way, they all taught me something. Whether it was about myself or about this oxymoron of a world we live in, I took something away from each and every one of them. Of course, when you’re in it , it certainly doesn’t feel that way. It’s more of a why God? Why are you doing this to me? Why do I continue to get my hopes up, only to be let down every single time? It’s not God, it’s you. It’s me choosing to date bad boys. (You know who you are.) It’s me making the decision to give men, I mean boys a chance who do not deserve it. Now, don’t get me wrong, these boys will (well, at least some) eventually change. That is for one woman and one woman only. It’s difficult for women to swallow their pride and admit that they are not in fact that woman. What us women do instead of realizing not only were we simply not the right woman for that particular man, but more importantly, that particular man was not right for us. We may think so, in fact, we may wish it until the veins pop out of our temples, but rest assured-he was not the one.
Now, don’t think I don’t understand the constant pressures from society (and our mothers) to be in a “serious relationship” by the time we’re of a certain age-specifically (and superficially) women. It is inevitable to feel like we must follow the protocol: fall in love, get married, have kids … However, this scenario is not for everyone. Nor should it be-at least not when you’re twenty-five years old. So as my ovaries shrivel up by the second, my male counterpart’s sperm count increases until the day he dies. I’ve made the conscious decision to no longer worry about it all. About falling in love, (and I mean real love-not these short-lived, passionate, lustful affairs I’ve grown so accustomed to) about finding Mr. Right or about what everyone else is doing. It’s difficult for us ladies not to be fooled by the “candid” first-look photos on Facebook and the corny marriage proposals that you secretly wish you hadn’t seen because now you have to go home and reevaluate your approach to life because if one more girlfriend gets engaged you might jump off a bridge? Remember, it is not our time … yet.
The frustration of dating-actually let’s just use online dating as the universal term for dating since real courtship no longer exists-specifically in my generation is not only real, it tends to mess with your self-esteem. Let’s face it, this is a numbers game, and while you have to be in it to win it, you can’t be too in it, otherwise you will lose your mind. You will find yourself constantly asking the question “why?” Why did he think it was okay to lie to me about being married before or fathering a child? Why did he ghost me after such a great date? Why did he lie to me about where he lives? Why did he turn into a completely different person in (thankfully) only a few short weeks? Then the “is it me phase” kicks in. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I need to change. Maybe, I need to be more this or more that or less this and less that. NOPE. That’s not it either. Of course, we all have things we need and want to change about ourselves, but changing your personality to accommodate and cater to someone else’s opinion of how to be a quality woman is not the way to go about rectifying this disastrous dating trend. Want to snag a man? Here’s what you do. (Feel free to ignore my advice as I am still single as a dollar.)
Forget they exist. Do whatever you want to do in all aspects. Enjoy this time instead of worrying about when it’s going to happen, because the truth is, it may never happen, at least not the way you want it to or when you want it to-it will happen when you’re ready. If there’s one thing my loyal girlfriends have taught me is this: men want independent women-women who don’t need them, but want them. Women who are in control of their own happiness and success are the ones who are truly winners … because whether we fall in love with a sexy, smart and loyal Latin man (still not giving up on the dream) or not, we are in love with the person we are and refuse to let any man appreciate us for anything less.