Why You’re Having Bad Sex + What To Do About It

Recall the best sex you have ever had. I can almost guarantee that nothing about it was spontaneous. Whether it was anticipation of the date, the flirting that took place beforehand, your outfit or the cologne you decided to wear, sex was on your mind as a “plan,” at least somewhat.

Interestingly, we often associate spontaneous sex with passion and enthusiasm. While don’t long for the clumsy moves or awkward kisses of our teen years, we still tend to rely on youthful misguided intentions to propel us toward fulfilling sexual experiences. We glorify the idea of “spontaneous sex” at face value, forgetting that intentionality can make all the difference.

A big part of the problem is that we’re all good at watching sex in the media, but we’re still not so good at talking about it. The myth of hot, spontaneous sex stems from legendary stories of youthful, passionate encounters or romantic comedies all of which serve a purpose as entertainment, but do little for helping us understand sexuality.

In my conversations with clients over the years, I have noticed five things that tend to dominate their thoughts about sex, all of which prevent them from finding a way to actually have the sex they long for. When such thoughts become “truths” sex ends up lost in a vault of longing and misunderstanding.

Here are five of these common sex myths, and a few tips for how to rewire your thinking so that you can actually have (not just think about!) awesome sex.

1. “Sex should just happen naturally.”

This is probably the greatest sex myth of all. While the urge for sex and connection may be natural, sex acts themselves are not. None of us are born with knowledge of sex other than a simple instinct, similar to our instinct for eating. Yet because as adults we associate sex acts with our instincts, we can be easily forgiven for thinking that sex acts are also natural.

Instinct and ability are not the same. Anyone can eat, but not everyone can cook. Cultivating good sex, like cooking, requires dedication. After all, it is a craft like any other that needs to be refined and practiced in order to become more proficient. Consider the art of sex as something that requires practice, just like anything else you dedicate yourself to.

2. “Sex will be sexy no matter what.”

Our bodies have different requirements for pleasure, which make sex not only appealing, but satisfying. So, knowing what you need to get not only in the mood, but also aroused, takes awareness and intention. The reality is rock-hard erections, perfect grooming, clean underwear, lubed-up intercourse and synchronized-simultaneous orgasms actually need planning. The perfect sexual escapade, no matter how ravenous, is always more appealing with fresh breath and adequate lubrication. So put in a little effort so you don’t take sex for granted! …

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Why You’re Having Bad Sex + What To Do About It

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