If you spend too much time on Reddit, scroll Instagram posts, read the latest hot take articles from local publications, or only listen to your echo chamber of friends, then you might have strong, biased opinions about dating in the San Francisco Bay Area (see case in point above). Many folks blame others rather than take a hard look at themselves.
There is a popular saying out there that goes something like this: “you attract who you are, not what you seek.” If something keeps repeating itself to you, the common thread is you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it needs to be said.
I am not saying dating in the Bay Area is not difficult (anything that is as important as who you spend your life with should be a decision that requires lots of skill, focus, effort and more), it is, but it doesn’t have to be or at least it can be easier if you take certain steps.
A lot of dating success is based on health mindsets, effort, being happy on your own, having a fulfilling life, making time for others, not making excuses, and willingness to share with others and give of yourself rather than just take. Let’s rephrase the comment above: “My issue is that no one (I meet) wants to date.” See that shift in mindset? It allows for action rather than assume things are what they are.
Let’s take a look at all the misleading reasons why people think dating in the Bay Area is impossible.
San Francisco Bay Area Gender Ratios
When it comes to dating in the Bay Area, one of the first ‘stats’ people (men) point to is gender ratios in the Area. Most charts, surveys and graphs usually derive from those on dating apps which is skewed. I wrote about this a while back and it was featured in an SFGate article.
If your dating universe is entirely dating apps, then yes, there is a huge gender ratio imbalance. Ask any professional coach or dating consultant, and they will tell you never to rely on dating apps for all or even most of your dating efforts (use them sparingly in addition to offline efforts).
There are many reasons why dating apps are bad, but one of them is the gender ratios. When there is a shortage of women, relative to men, it encourages men to play the volume game (more likes sent equals more matches, more matches leads to more dates). This results in lots of inefficiency (low effort, low expectations, lack of replies, canceled dates and more).
Does this mean dating apps are hopeless? Absolutely not, people are still dating, meeting their partners and finding their spouses on dating apps but not everyone. It’s impossible given gender ratios, lack of effort, lack of time, and inability to read people, set (and maintain boundaries) and what not, but it’s definitely possible.
You don’t need to be a model, nor 6 feet tall, rich, thin etc. If this is your mindset, you may not be ready to date as using stereotypes to justify lack of success says more about you than dating in the Bay Area. That said, some parts of the Bay Area have more lopsided gender ratios than others, for sure.
Some people prioritize dating over their jobs and either relocate or really do the self-work needed to do better while dating. Dating is an incredible time commitment, and frankly some people have no time to date and doing the bare minimum may suggest they don’t take it seriously. Everyone has different attributes, personalities, and skill sets that may give them advantages you don’t and that’s ok.
Dating is about skill more than luck. Referring to it as luck suggests that you think dating is out of your hands which I say is incorrect. Rather than focus what you can’t control, influence, work on doing what you can to move the needle on. It may take time but it’s possible, but only if you want it to be. Dating apps are a marketing tool, not a ordering app like DoorDash. It can’t work miracles.
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