Note:  The reader’s question and Doc’s answer are 0% AI;100% Authentic

Hey Doc,

Lana and I are both 30. She’s kind, educated, employed, athletic, intelligent, and beautiful. During the past two weeks we’ve seen each other a handful of times. We went on a long-distance bike ride (we’re both competitive cyclists), and during the ride she told me that she is interested in marriage but that her last relationship did not work out because the guy was not long-term material. I took this to mean that he was not financially solvent. I let her do the talking and kept the details of my life private.

As a lawyer who runs his own practice, I have a flexible work schedule and I keep a busy social calendar and maintain a strict workout routine. When I mentioned to Lana that I attend the early cycling class at the gym a few days each week, she said that she wanted to “try to squeeze it into her busy, busy schedule” and then showed up at the next class. Afterwards we had coffee and she said that she wanted to turn over a new leaf and make the class part of her daily routine. Later I saw her at a friend’s party and we ended up dancing and having some alone time on the front porch. So far so good.

Via text and email, Lana seems very interested in hanging out. She mentioned an open-air theater where old films were played and asked me to pick one for a picnic and date. I did and she said that she would “pencil the date in to her always-packed schedule.” I sent an email asking what time I should pick her up. This was her reply:

“I hope you’re having a great week. I just found out that a good friend is moving to San Diego later this week. Mutual friends are planning to have dinner and drinks with him. Can we reschedule the theater? Sorry for the short notice and change of plans, but I didn’t realize he was going so soon and I want to see him before he leaves.”

Then she went into how unbelievably busy she is. But we agreed to go to the cycling class in the meantime, and I told her that she could meet me at a certain bar I go to if she wanted to after she saw her friend off.

I have two questions. First, I don’t want to spoil Lana’s interest in me by making myself too available. Am I revealing too much of my own whereabouts to Lana? Second, I’m a little put off that she canceled our date. Have I miscalculated her Interest Level? From her Facebook page, I see that she often has to reschedule with even her closest friends. Should I just accept scheduling conflicts with a busy professional?

Legs – who’s struggling to stay on top of it

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Hi Legs,

You’re pointing out all the great things Lana is, but you’re not telling me HOW MUCH SHE LIKES YOU. Or how many buying signals she’s given you. Or how she can’t keep her hands off you. And that’s what counts, not that she’s educated and kind and all the rest of it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “So she pats dogs on the head – who cares?”

When you say you saw Lana a handful of times over the past 14 days, what does that actually mean? Do you mean you saw her three or four or five times? If you were using my course materials, you would know that you should have only seen this girl once or twice in that period of time. I can tell you’re not using my principles though, because you would have kept yourself in check and exercised Self-Control if you were.

You should have asked Lana what she meant when she said her ex was not long-term material. Was there something in his personality or his character that she didn’t care for, or was it the fact that he never had a job? You don’t have a clue what she meant, guy. You’re only guessing when you assume that the guy’s portfolio was nonexistent. When you run into a situation like this, get the woman to be SPECIFIC, and don’t accept a gray answer. Pin it down in. Get it in black and white. But it was good that you let her do all the yakking, however.

You should never have told Lana about your cycling class. Do you want to be this girl’s teammate, or do you want to DATE her? And if you’re going to date her, you shouldn’t be meeting her at a gym to hang out. So this was a huge mistake, dude. When she talked about her “busy, busy schedule,” it was a major hint that she either has low Interest Level in you or she’s highly disorganized. This is something you should have picked up right off the bat, Legs.

Now, when Lana talked about turning over a new leaf, was she talking about you? Or was she indirectly saying that she wants you to be her cycling buddy and not date her? Whatever the answer, it’s another reason for not having her join you at the gym.

You shouldn’t be texting and emailing any lady you’re trying to date. You use the phone to get the date and that’s it. Then you need to see her face to face so you can read her body language. It’s the only way you can know where she’s really coming from. And you shouldn’t be “hanging out” with the woman either. You hang out with your friends. You date a woman you’re interested in.

When the movie date came up, again you heard about Lana’s “always packed schedule.” And like I said before, when her schedule is that packed, it means she’s highly disorganized.  

After she dodged you to see her friend off to San Diego, you should have said to her, “Sure, we’ll make it some other time,” and then tossed her number into the toilet and watched it swirl away. But she did want to see you for cycling at the gym, so now you’re back to being her workout pal rather than her potential boyfriend. With every new development you drop a little further down the ladder with this girl, don’t you, Legs?

And you’re desperate for this woman’s attention, whether or not you want to admit it. That’s why you suggested she meet you at your favorite bar, which was a “definite maybe” date, and that’s a no-no if you’ve memorized “The System.” Worse, you’re also “stacking” dates, which means you’re dumping something on top of another thing that might go awry. This weakens your position with this woman even more. She can’t respect you because you don’t respect your own time if you’re telling her that you’re going to be sitting at a bar waiting for her to show up — maybe. To you Psych majors, if it’s not 100% certain, don’t do it. And you’re doing all this on top of a broken date? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Wow, man, you really are hard up!”

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You certainly have made yourself too available with this whole biking fiasco. Lana knows your schedule at the gym, so she knows exactly where to find you. And yes, you have miscalculated her Interest Level. It’s only 10%, and you thought it was 80%. The reason she has to reschedule with her friends is because she’s not a together person. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “A disorganized woman will drive you nuts.”

Should you just go along with her scheduling conflicts? No, because she’ll just continue to lose respect for you. But what really bothers me here is that Lana broke a date with you in order to hang out with some remote acquaintance that’s leaving town. What she’s saying is that this friend is more important than you — somebody who’s actually trying to date her. What does that tell you, pal?

Remember, guys: if she keeps complaining about how busy she is, it means she’s not interested in you.