Sex is supposed to make us feel relaxed and desired. We’re meant to be shivering as we lay in post-ecstasy. But what happens if after, you feel nervous, sad or ashamed? Why are we sometimes dealing with regret after sex?

There is a lot of shame connected to sex. From concerns over how many people we’ve slept with and ‘unordinary’ fantasies to worrying if we’re too sexual or not sexual enough. Our upbringings, religion and culture can also create sexual shame which can lead us to feel guilt.

Feeling guilty after hooking up with someone

Some people may believe that feeling shame is a sign that sex is wrong. Maybe you shouldn’t want to experiment or try new things if there’s doubt in your mind.

Other reasons for dealing with regret after sex:

• Feeling too intoxicated.
• Pretending to like someone to have sex.
• Realising sex hasn’t made a person fall in love.
• Trying to please your partner.
• Not having fun during.
• Fear of a negative reputation.
• Post-coital dysphoria – a condition that causes sadness after intercourse.
• Sexual trauma.

How to deal with sexual regret

Published on Refinery29, a study at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology and the University of Texas reveals women who initiate sex tend to feel less regret. Researchers believe this may be due to sexual confidence, as well as them having full control to make their own decision. For men, the study suggests they rarely regret casual sex, regardless if they initiated it or not.

One of the key steps to preventing regret after sex is to confront where your shame stems from. Is there a one-off experience that has made you feel bad or do you frequently feel guilty? How often do you initiate? Do you often feel in control or do you feel uncomfortable saying no?

How do you view sex? How often do you enjoy it?

A key way to prevent regret is to explore your boundaries. What do you need to feel comfortable? I once slept with someone because they initiated and I felt awkward saying no. I was so angry at myself after that I decided sex would never go ahead just so I can avoid tension.

Avoiding regret is also about giving yourself permission to do what feels right. Regret comes from our own thoughts and feelings which means we can choose to rewrite the narrative. We might need to work on body issues, communication, boundaries and/or childhood beliefs to uncover the negativity.

A crucial question to ask is ‘Why am I engaging in sex?’ It’s an act that when mutually discussed with consent, should leave all parties satisfied. Engaging in it to feel desirable or to build feelings is a quick way to feel disappointment.

To guide you further, you can read my guide on how to communicate about sex and how to be more sexually confident.