We were making dinner when I gripped my partner around his waist and he held my hands. A small gesture that keeps us physically connected. To keep the spark alive, you have to nourish it with presence, play, daily habits and intention.

It requires more than regular sex. People often wait until they’re too comfortable or like flatmates before they explore ways to ignite passion. But if you can, develop these habits early on to build a solid foundation.

Why most couples lose the spark

We get comfortable in our relationships because we become experts at pleasing our partners. We know what turns them on, what they like for dinner, if they’re going to order steak or spend 20 minutes staring at a menu.

Our knowledge helps us fine-tune how to communicate and be with them. The only problem—being an expert isn’t exactly exciting. You can stop learning, experimenting and spicing things up when you can read someone like a book.

After the dating stage, we also settle into ‘ordinary’ life, with work, caregiving duties and finances to consider. Going on date 252 seems less thrilling than date 3.

It’s normal to feel the flame flicker

It’s natural to wonder:

‘What if I’m not attracted to them anymore?’

‘Are we no longer in love?’

‘Why does everything feel so dull?’

None of this means your relationship is doomed. You’re in a great place to turn things around and come out stronger. As a certified relationship coach, here are my five unsexy but powerful secrets to keep the spark alive and reignite passion.

Secret 1: Make Confident decisions

Yes, unsexy secrets, because it’s not about dressing up and putting on Marvin Gaye.

Check-in with yourself:

What’s happening with my thoughts?

Am I overthinking the situation?

Is my mind leading with openness or self-doubt?

Can things change with time and effort?

Ask yourself:

What does passion look like to me right now?

When was the spark most alive in my relationship? How did it look and feel?

Am I trying to go back or create something new?

Self-reflection tip: Spend time journalling until you can confidently say what you want and need within the next three months. Don’t worry about your partner’s feelings yet. Knowing your wants will help you communicate with your partner and avoid assumptions. Especially as terms like ‘spark’ and ‘attraction’ have different meanings.

I regularly self-reflect and consider my wants in my relationship.

Before you outright state your feelings, though, reflect again with your partner.

Ask them:

What’s one thing we both want to feel more of this month?

When do you feel most loved by me?

What would it look like if we were on a first date again?

What is your most passionate memory of us together?

When it comes to creating a spark, too much conversation can keep you stuck. Continue to reflect regularly without detailed discussions on what they don’t do or why you’re not happy.

Secret 2: Keep the spark alive with self-care

What are five words that summarise passion? How can you create this on your own?

Reigniting passion with yourself after years of being in a relationship can encourage you to elevate how you show up for yourself and your partner.

What makes you feel joy? What can you do this week to feel sexy?

Think about using all five senses:

Experiment with touch—from a light finger down your neck to more pressure or masturbation. Do what feels natural for you.

Play with what you see—dress up, wear red lipstick, try a new hairdo.

Listen to uplifting voices. Pay attention to your negative thoughts and reframe them into ones that serve you. (Guide

Use scents that evoke desire. It could be perfume, a scented shower gel, a candle, the smell of something baking in the oven, a glass of your favourite wine.

Likewise, indulge in the food and drink that turns your tastebuds on.

Secret 3: Back to basics with romance

I set early expectations for romantic gestures in my relationship. I made three-course meals, bought thoughtful gifts, wrote romantic messages and frequently gave compliments.

Doing this made my partner want to reciprocate and gave me the confidence to ask for things back.

Romance shouldn’t be built on doing things to get something, but action can speak louder than words.

If you want your partner to surprise you more often, start surprising them. If you crave more thoughtfulness and sweet gestures, show up in that way. Eventually something will have to change in your relationship, even if it makes you realise your issues require more support.

Secret 4: Be passionate with intention

To keep intimacy alive, focus on intentional acts. We’re often intimate with our partners before we have sex. What about being intimate because to connect?

A slow, lingering kiss to say hello.

Deep conversations where you’re fully present and engaged with your partner.

Holding hands while watching TV.

Create these intimate moments to build up your passion and show your partner that you can play with intimacy in a safe space without it leading to anything else.

Secret 5: Dolce vita rituals

The sweet life! The last step is to create beautiful rituals that romanticise your life together.

Wake up five minutes early to enjoy cappuccinos in the garden, do some spontaneous dancing while cooking, take a long stroll through the park, enjoy slow wine nights. And book the jazz night, learn how to make pasta, go on a last-minute weekend getaway.

If you’re a couple who spends most of your time together watching TV, now is your moment to switch things up.

How to keep the spark alive

After these steps, try talking with your partner if you want to share how you’re feeling or you dont think they’re matching your effort. It can take time so be patient and keep experimenting.

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