Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People (and How to Stop)

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Have you ever found yourself asking,  Why do I always end up with emotionally unavailable people?
They’re hot and cold, avoidant, distant — and yet, something about them pulls you in.
Let’s talk about what’s really going on — and how you can stop repeating the pattern.

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1 – FAMILIAR PATTERNS
The first thing to understand is that we’re often drawn to what’s familiar, not what’s healthy.
If you grew up around inconsistency, emotional distance, or having to earn attention,
you might unconsciously be attracted to people who make you feel that same way —
because it’s what your nervous system recognises as ‘home.

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 2 – OVERCOMPENSATING
You might also be over-functioning in relationships — playing the rescuer, fixer, or peacemaker.
You do the emotional work for them.
And here’s the truth: when you’re always proving your worth, you attract people who let you.
Healthy love doesn’t need to be earned — it’s offered.

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 3 – INTENSITY IS NOT INTIMACY
Emotional unavailability often comes with highs and lows — and it can feel addictive.
The chase, the mystery, the breadcrumbs of affection.
But remember: Intensity isn’t intimacy.
Real connection feels safe, steady, and mutual. Not confusing.

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4 – YOU’RE IGNORING THE SIGNS
Most emotionally unavailable people tell you who they are straight away.
They say things like ‘I’m not ready for anything serious,’ or they’re inconsistent.
But because we want to be chosen, we ignore the red flags.
Here’s your reminder: you are the chooser, not just the one hoping to be picked.

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 5 – IT STARTS WITH YOU
Finally it comes down to your relationship with yourself.
The more you build your self-worth, your boundaries, and your emotional availability…
the less attractive those unavailable partners become.
You’ll start to crave peace instead of drama and choose people who actually show up.

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If this hit home for you, you’re not alone  and it’s not your fault.
But it is something you can change.
If you’re ready to start attracting love that feels safe, mutual, and exciting for the right reasons,
this is exactly the work I do with my clients  and I’d love to help you too.
Drop me a message or check out the link to book a free discovery call.

https://datingcoach.me.uk/contact-jo-barnett/

 

Jo Barnett

Dating Coach & Relationship Expert

As seen on TV

One to one mentor and Coach

Emotional and behavioural freedom

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